A brief interlude from projects because I promised I would also talk about managing anxiety and grief.

For those that don’t know, May is mental health awareness month. For those that haven’t picked up on it yet, a lot of my own mental health challenges stem from grief at my mom’s passing. In honor of mental health awareness month, my promise to be authentic, and my mom, here are some thoughts from me on my own mental health journey. I recognize everyone’s experience with mental health varies but I hope my nuggets can help in some small way. After today, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled project programming!

Have you ever had your worst nightmare come true? Mine did. Or so I thought – ten years ago when I was sitting in the ICU restraining my mother from pulling out her ventilator, having a family member threaten my dad and my lives, and witnessing my grandparents watch their daughter die without being able to have final words. My first reaction to my mom’s sudden and imminent death was that I wished I could die instead – in my opinion at the time, I had nothing left to live for. My mom and I were the Lorelei and Rory Gilmore of Malvern, Pennsylvania and life without her was unfathomable and empty. (If you haven’t watched all of Gilmore Girls stop reading this now and turn on Netflix).

After my mom passed, I expected to curl up into a ball and never leave my house or to cry incessantly every day. People told me I’d break down or that I’d never get over it. Truly, I’ve never gotten over it (and I don’t ever expect to) but not in the morbid way that everyone around me seemed to predict. Much to my surprise, my grief was different – in summary, my overwhelming feeling was that someone had physically and emotionally cut me in half when my mom died. I felt I was just a shadow of my former self. But, that shadow still went about moving to a new city, attending graduate school, getting a new job, making new friends and care giving for my grandparents. That person also became best friends with my dad, had a lot of laughs amidst the sorrow, and became closer to my extended cousins than ever before.

In addition to “plugging and chugging through daily life,” what that empty half lost to grief gave me was an opportunity to rebuild my life to become whole again. While I would give anything to have my mom back again, it was this rebuilding that helped me turn my grief to gratitude. Yes, the rebuilding was scrappy, messy, and ended in tears, puking, anger and grief counseling for many years. But what I learned about myself and what I saw in people around me made me grateful again to be alive and grateful for the perspectives my traumatic experience had given me.

For anyone experiencing grief or a challenging time, the nuggets below became the lynch-pin to building a life that is happier than I could have ever imagined (even before my mom passed):

-You are stronger than you think. As my favorite mug says, “yes, I actually can.” For me, this meant physically and emotionally. It meant being able to stay awake for nearly 10 days straight to soak in every moment with my mom. It meant experiencing big life events with out my mom (including my wedding which I had previously decided would never happen once my mom passed). It meant taking three years to visit my mom’s grave but being able to finally stand there and have a little conversation with her.

–Everything is fleeting. Including life. So savor each moment – don’t sweat that missed deadline, instead spend time on things that give you energy, and establish connections with others. And if your day sucks or your week or your month, this too shall pass. Don’t let too many of them suck though because you’re just missing out on goodness around you.

–You’re not unique. Or alone. Even in your darkest moment. Yes, we all experience our grief or hardship in distinct ways but that person sitting next to you on the metro or the girl at work who talks too loud in her cubicle all day, they have their own hardships too. Understand this and find connections and support from others.

–Be vulnerable. Share your struggle. It helps others carry some of the burden with you and most importantly, there are few better feelings than sharing a completely authentic moment with someone. For me, its involved saying things like: I’m not ok OR I don’t know how to move past this anxiety that is weighing on me and feels like a small elephant has taken up residence on my chest. Yes – it did take me over two years to actually talk to anyone (including my own family) about how much I missed my mom. But, once I started being vulnerable, I’ve found that sharing your vulnerability not only helps you but sometimes unexpectedly helps others too who may be experiencing a challenge but are afraid too share themselves. Have the courage to be vulnerable (even when it makes you feel the opposite of strong).

–Be grateful. Even on your worst days, find something to be thankful for. And if you need to, write it down. Every. Freaking. Day. Until gratitude becomes a habit. There are enough Pinterest pins to make an entire board of gratitude jar designs. Go build your own – I used my gratitude jar as a chance to learn how to fold origami and use puffy paints for the first time in fifteen years (did you think I’d get through this post without a single reference to a “little project”?). Eventually, that gratitude translates from being thankful that you can finally eat again or that you slept more than two hours to being grateful that you are the person you are or being grateful you’ve created the life and support system around you. And for me, it made me grateful to be alive and allowed me to find joy daily.